Farewell

Farewell My sin, my in ability to continue. So this is my last blog. Farewell.

There Is Light - Maybe?

Even through my day is good. Things get accomplished. But there comes a night. Not telling what the night and its' darkness holds in store.
During the day, miracles happen. The day is when good gets to spread. The night replaces the daylight, that is when light disappears. Then anything can happen.

The day was good. The evaluation from Debt Reduction Services was completed with few hick-ups. Self Help Legal got the paperwork to court. Electronically, I might add. We drove out of Self Help Legal's parking lot feeling much lighter.

The rest of the day was spent reading, discussing what we could do to improve the amount of money we bring into our home. I even was able to spend some time helping our daughter with her homework.

Phone conversations were positive. The whole rest of the was on a positive note. That was until I woke up at 2:32 am. I was alone in bed. An overwhelming, oppressive feeling just consumed my entire body. It was a if a holocaust was about to happen. What made it worst was that I did not know where it was going to come from.

An hour later I got out of bed to started the morning coffee. Turned on the computer. Opened my word processor and started to write. I am not going to let the darkness ruin the good from yesterday.

Taking Over Physically

Just when things start to look good, another blow comes. It was not bad enough getting cussed out by my wife, but when I got home she told me she lost her job. She told the current temp agency that she was going with another agency in two weeks. They fired her on the spot. There goes money we can't do without.

I fixed a friends, girlfriend computer. They gave me a check made out to the business. Well, the business (TEN Solutions) is closed. I can not cash the check. Now when I call to get another check they don't answer their phone. Reaping what I sow.

I have buried my self in such a whole that it is starting to affect me physically and mentally. At work speaking and thinking through difficult situation is becoming hard. I feel my body is cramping. At times I have trouble walking. Sitting up straight is almost impossible.

No money for a haircut. I am overdue. We need $85 to get an evaluation from Debt Reduction Services. The money is not their. No way to get the money. Well, if my wife gets paid Thursday. I am hoping if they will let us go through the interview. They we can pay them Thursday. Get the certificate, then finally file.

My back is tight. Portions of my face are numb. The stress is slowly becoming overwhelming. I don't know how much long my body can hold out.

Regardless of all my sin. Regardless of where we are at. I know if I die today, God will take me. This life is but a feating moment in the compared to all eternity. Regardless if my current condition, I have hope in only one source.

There Is Light - NOT

Where is light at the end of the tunnel?
What is a good feeling?

Just when you think things are going to get better, along comes a manhole cover and hit you in the face. Why me oh God?

Money for the bankruptcy is paid. Wife and I are good regular jobs. The opportunity to do some podcast and make more than just wages was presented. The house was starting to get cleaner. Our daughter got some new clothes. Then came the manhole cover.

I am presented with facts from my wife that I do not remember. I am not allow to discuss it. I am not allowed to speak. I can not explain. I can not offer defense. All I can do is pray for to be left on the street, alone. I wish my wife and daughter would just leave me and headed for Texas to live with her family.

Sometimes I think it would better. I wish I could undo all the mistakes and wrong that I have done.

Angry With Me

They are all angry with me. Some are even threating to file criminal action. My wife blames me for everything. I can't say a word without being in the wrong.

I know I caused it all. I have no excuses. If it was not for my wife and daughter, I would just go to jail, pay off my debt in debtors prison. If it was 150 years ago.

God oh God what can I do? I am praying, I am looking for everyway possible to pay people I owe. But the money just dried up. Work stopped coming in. I have electric, gas and food bills to pay.

I felt guilty stopping by McDonald's to get a sandwich before work. I needed some energy to make it through my shift. We need that money along with money from driving 5 miles less to pay the electric bill. We had to buy clothes for my daughter $15. I should of have put that money toward paying another creditor.

I don't want to file bankruptcy. I want to pay my creditor. But I just don't have the money. They want to file criminal charges. Well, if they do and I go to jail, other people I owe will not get paid.

Oh God, I just want this to end.

Light - Moves Darkness Back

Light comes out from behind the clouds at the most unexpected times. When it does there is a nice feeling that everything will be alright. Then on the physical plane one could be driving at night on slippery roads.

Darkness tries to get to give up and do some crazy self destructive action. Light says keep going, you are on the right path. I will give you a clear direction.

I was driving down the road as temperatures started to fall below the point of freezing. The city lights reflexed off the black ice. A clam started to over come my whole body. Now I knew everything would be alright.

I stopped at a closing CompUSA. There I spent thirty minutes wondering through their supposed close out prices. Then I went on to another big box electronics store where I bought a microphone for a project.

When I got home I was greeted with a smile from my wife and daughter. I could tell the light had reached their lives, also. The rest of the evening was good. We talked about the day. Then we had some of the best tamale pie I had ever eaten. Then I made a few phone calls before going to bed.

Darkness - Where is the light?

There is nothing but darkness. Where is the light??? The depression, oppression is overwhelming. It is paralyzing. It is not just me, but the whole family.

My wife and I have been in survival mode for so long that the house shows it. The house is dirty. We do the dishes, and some cleaning. Anything more is done when we are surrounded by work, money coming in, and good news.

I try to clean, but I can't do it all. I have to look at a dirty bathroom sink several times, before I clean it. My wife has good days, then she does the dishes and clean the counters. It is so very hard to examples to our daughter when we can verily do things.

In church, yesterday, morning the preacher talked about love, hope, and light. He talked about expecting a surprise miracle this week. I have been praying, not for a miracle, but just help, work, to get out of this hole. Nothing has happen, we are still going down, down, and down some more.

Where it the light at the end of the tunnel? We are nothing more in a deep hole headed down. I am praying for a place to rent, and the money to pay for it. Right now we have neither.

I wish I could give my body, and life to keep from my wife and daughter for going down the road we are headed.